Christian Humor

Forrest responds, “It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain’t too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.”St. Peter continued, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.First:What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second:

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: “Run Forrest, run.”

This is great! It refers to several denominations - had to pass it on! See this and a whole lot more at Look to the Lord

 AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
- BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending the Service.
- CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Congregation to lip-sync.
- HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
- HYMN: A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
- RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at the Service often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
- INCENSE: Holy Smoke!
- JONAH: The original “Jaws” story.
- JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.
- KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
- MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
- MANGER: Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.
- PEW: A medieval torture device still found in churches.
- PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of the Service consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
- RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of the Service led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
- RELICS: People who have been going to Church for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
- TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
- USHERS: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

Found at  http://looktolord.blogspot.com/2007/06/god-bless-all-little.html

There was a boy who lived with his family on a farm. The farm had an icehouse, where produce was stored. One day, the boy noticed that a family of wrens was trapped in the building. He opened the doors to coax the birds out, but oddly, they refused. The boy was very worried about them, because it was so cold in the icehouse. That night, he knelt at his bedside and prayed, “God bless all the little chilled wrens.”

Found at http://looktolord.blogspot.com/search/label/Pastor%20Appreciation :

TOP 7 SIGNS YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION

7. His first words to the congregation on Sunday morning are “Alright, listen up you heathens…”

6. He falls asleep during his own sermon.

5. He shows up for Sunday service wearing Bermuda Shorts and a Tank Top.

4. Every time his pager goes off, he shouts, “Why can’t they just leave me alone?!”

3. Announces baptismal services will be at the Grand Canyon.

2. You go to his office for counseling and pour your heart out to him and he says, “Sounds like a personal problem to me.”

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR PASTOR NEEDS A VACATION

1. For the past two months he has preached the same sermon every Sunday.

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.
After a while he turned to her and asked “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there do you?”
The lady replied “Of course I do it is the Bible.”
He said “Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that huge fish?”
She replied “Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible.”
He asked “Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside its stomach?”
The lady said “Well I don’t really know I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him.”
“What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.
“Then you can ask him.” Replied the lady.

At a church meeting a very wealthy man rose to tell the rest of those present about his Christian faith. “I’m a millionaire,” he said, “and I attribute it all to the rich blessings of God in my life. I remember that turning point in my faith. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. I knew that I only had a dollar bill and had to either give it all to God’s work or nothing at all. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today.”

He finished and there was an awed silence at his testimony as he moved toward his seat. As he sat down a little old lady sitting in the same pew leaned over and said to him: “I dare you to do it again.”

Johnny was coming home from church one Sunday morning with his mother. His mother noticed he had a serious look on his face.
“What’s on your mind, Johnny?” she asked.
“Is it true what the preacher said about us all coming from dust and turning back to dust?”
” Why , Yes, it is, Johnny,” she said. “Why do you ask?”
“Well, when we get home,” he answered, “You better look under my bed, because someone’s either comin’ or goin!”

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, “Stop - Acts 2:38!” (..turn from your sin…) The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”

“Scripture?” replied the burglar, “She said she had an AXE and two 38’s!”

A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group had surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked “What are you doing with that dog?”

One of the boys replied, “This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we’ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog.”

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie,” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”

There was dead silence for about a minute.  Just as the reverend was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, “All right, give him the dog.”

A child came home from Sunday School and told his mother  that he had learned a new song about a cross-eyed bear named  Gladly.  It took his  mother a while before she realized that  the hymn was really “Gladly The Cross I’d Bear,”